Haven't written much lately.

My mind has been swimming.  8 months in the new position and I'm finally starting to get it.  I've been dating some.  Most have had amazing potential to be something MORE, but somehow fall short of going any further than a couple months.

Then I analyze all of these short glimpses to something wonderful that could be, and like most women, blame the men.  Yes, some of these guys were douche bags that couldn't handle a real woman, but most of the issue was me.

It was until as of recent, that a nail was hit on the head, when a suitor was completely honest with me and said he is "a codependent with commitment issues".  I stopped in my tracks.  Why the f is he wanting to date me?  Clearly he's not looking for a commitment.  Well, at least he was honest.  So when he said the "codependent with commitment issues", I realized that I am "too independent with a fear of abandonment".

I work so hard at doing everything, being a mom, friend, family member, working, chores, etc. that when a suitor comes around, makes time for me, woos me, and gives me a few butterflies in my tummy, I get MORE independent.  I slowly fade away.  I put men constantly on the back burner, the feelings I want to have for them, the care for them, the lust or excitment, and the friendship - all on the back burner.  Which isn't fair, to them, or myself.  Why can't I figure this all out, why am I doing this to them?  Yea, I don't have to date, at all.  But, I would love to find someone to share life with my daughter and I.  She's pretty fantastic and so am I.

Well, I was sitting on facebook the other night, watching the 70's Show on Netflix, and I scrolled past this article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenni-bevill/forgiving-my-dad-and-finding-myself_b_6335432.html

I don't think I've ever related to an article as much as this one.  I was sobbing.  So confused that this moved me, so confused that I'm not alone, and heartbroken that Ella is going to be able to relate to every word of this as well.

So now that I know this is my barrier, I have to figure out how to drop it and move forward.  Let the next guy in.  Or heck, maybe reach out to them.

Country Club melt, EXTRA side of ranch, and a cherry coke.

15 + years ago I was running from table to table, refilling drinks, getting extra sides of butter, ranch, and stealing puffs off of a strangers cigarette whilst serving at Perkins.  Little did I know, that the refills of cherry coke, extra ranch dressing, and the owner of that cigarette would still be in my life as of today.

She has been there for all of the big moments, small moments, and the moments in between.  She has seen me struggle, made me laugh, and opened my eyes to many things that I never would have thought of doing, becoming, or conquering.

Over the past few years, we have drifted apart, not by choice, but by lives.  My daughter started grade school and I started working full-time plus a part time gig.  Who would've thought raising a school aged child and working would be so intense?  But when either of us would get the chance, we'd call, catch up, and it truly has always been as though that no time has past.

People watching, oogling over guys, helping with family, cabin trips, cribbage, Friends, Eddie Murphy, Twins games, two items, "let me stir it for you", my pregnancy, teaching Ella how to crawl, painting Papa's living room, Twilight, Wrong Turn.... the list goes on.

Now I'm home, sitting here, thinking about her and her pain she's enduring, hoping her procedure goes smoothly and the doc has clean fingernails and a steady hand, and that she has a fast recovery, but our list does need to go on.

She's kind of always been my rock and Ella's kick ass "aunt".  I mean, who pulled out your kids first tooth?  She did and it bonded her and Ella even more.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that without that gal sitting at table either 95, 94, or 90 during my Perkins days, I would have never been as blessed as I am now - experienced as much as I have, or have been pushed as hard as I have.

Thank you Allie...  :)  I love you.

Empowered all over some EggBeaters and butter.

Day 5 no fumar and Day 4 on WW and physically I am feeling fantastic.  :)

Today was one of those Tuesdays where I stepped out of bed a little off beat.  Felt like I was always 2 seconds behind or not as organized as I should be, nearly rushed out of the house without my nicotine patch!!  Ella quickly reminded me to slap one on and we were finally out the door.

I plowed through work, sent my #wwsendtheloveteamslim package for Shelby on my lunch, and continued to plow through work.  I planned a low point lunch, so if needed I could splurge on dinner tonight.

Today was my daughters conferences, she's in 2nd grade.  She's rather sassy, brilliant, and talented.  She amazes me every day, but for some reason I was really worried about this conference, and I was right.  Things aren't going very well for her.  She's not completing her work when she should be during school and has been skipping out on the homework that was being sent home.  Part of the reason is because she is, always has been, and always will be a "chatty Cathy".  The other reason, is that it really has been rough to narrow down a schedule for her on the weekends and evenings as I've been working long days and 7 days a week since October (started it right before the last conference).  Now that I'm not working as much on the weekends, we can hopefully get back into a better schedule.

Other than that behavior hurdle that we have to overcome, her maestra said that she's wonderful.  Her reading and writing in both Spanish and English are amazing, she just wishes Ella would challenge herself a bit more.  I told Ella that if we hear good news in her conferences, I would treat her to dinner of her choice.  Her choice was Perkins (she was having hollandaise withdraw (6 pp).

So, we get to Perkins.  I study the menu and from working there for 15 years previously I knew what was safe and what wasn't, I decided to go with the Spinach and Baby Bella Platter.  Now, I've ordered this numerous times and it should be: Egg Beaters, Spinach, Tomatoes, Onions, and Mushrooms (should be cooked via steam with light oil) with a side of fruit, chicken apple sausage links, and a piece of dry whole wheat toast.  All together points are 13.  But what I got was Scrambled Eggs with the Veggies that were CLEARLY drenched in oil and my toast was heavily buttered.

Because I've worked in all areas of Perkins, I know that sometimes the Egg Beaters can be mistaken for regular eggs, but TIP if you see the whites in your scrambled "Egg Beaters" they gave you regular eggs.

I kindly told our server that I hated to do this, but he had to have the food remade!  In my MANY years in food industry (since birth really) I've NEVER sent my food back because it's a pain in the ass to remake it.  BUT, I'm sorry I am watching EVERYTHING that I'm putting in my body.  He felt horrible and I felt empowered.

Now that I think of it I should've taken pics of the before and after of the old and new food.  There wasn't a trace of oil on my plate on the 2nd plate AND he gave me MORE fresh fruit (which was a delish medley of apples, ity bity grapes, and pineapple).

Well, anyways.. I'll have to post more about these hurdles with Ella.  Something has to give.  ARGH... but F U Perkins cook, I ain't stupid, make my food correct.

Adios.

Day 2 - No Smoking - Day 1 First Weigh In

So, Day 2 of this no smoking thing, and I feel greatish.  Thanks to the patch I've only had two really strong urges to bust a wall down and find me a cigarette.  Which passed as I rubbed the heck outta the patch.

Had a real difficult time falling asleep last night.  Think the combination of excitement, worry, and extra nicotine flowing through the veins didn't help, but I woke up... got ready, slapped the 2nd patch on and went to my first WI in over 2 years.  

My meeting location is at the YMCA in Saint Paul.  My leader is Donna and her helper is Rita.  They both were excited to see a new face.  I explained my "wake up call" moment to them.  They understood and are truly excited for my journey.  

Donna talked about my old WW leader, Julie.  She explained that she won't be back due to her shoulder surgery.  Which I'm ok with.  I think I'm gonna love Donna.  My first impression of her is that all I wanted to do was run up and hug her.  She's wears a wig and clearly is going through some sort of cancer treatment.  

Donna took the time to explain the new Simple Start program, which at this time I'm not going to follow.  I'm going to track my points.  She also explained a great work out, the hoola hoop and she actually hoola hooped for about 5 minutes while she talked.  

I'm clearly one of the youngest in my meeting and I'm ok with that.  Not a single person had a "fancy phone" or new how to use it.  I'm thoroughly excited to get through this first week and to go back and weigh in next week.  I wish it was Saturday already.  

I'm a rambler, and I'm sorry if my thoughts are fragmented and sporadic, but I'm high on constant nicotine and can focus on little thoughts at a time.  lol

My next step today is to get my grocery shopping done for the next week or so and pray that I don't have to sell my soul to get the stuff I need.  Know for sure its going to be a couple different grocery stores that we'll be going to (Aldi's and Target for sure).

Ok - ramble complete, gotta get a nap in before my grocery shopping commences.  :)

Goin' in bare fisted again.

So, its time.

I've finally realized I've lost myself enough again to try and rebuild myself back up.

Between working 3 jobs, mothering my amazing daughter, taking care of friends and family, I lost myself.  Lost what I should truly be caring about... ME!!!

So, I'm excited to say that I'm whipping the gloves off and going in bare fisted.  Tomorrow I'm slappin' the patch on and getting the nasty, horrible smelling and tasting, and overly expensive cancer sticks out of my life. AND Saturday I'm signing back up with Weight Watchers.

Obviously the two will benefit me in sooo many ways.

I have to say that previous WW partner, daughter, and aching bones and tight fitting clothes are inspiring me to start throwing punches into the improved me.

So, that's that.

More to come...  :)