Haven't written much lately.

My mind has been swimming.  8 months in the new position and I'm finally starting to get it.  I've been dating some.  Most have had amazing potential to be something MORE, but somehow fall short of going any further than a couple months.

Then I analyze all of these short glimpses to something wonderful that could be, and like most women, blame the men.  Yes, some of these guys were douche bags that couldn't handle a real woman, but most of the issue was me.

It was until as of recent, that a nail was hit on the head, when a suitor was completely honest with me and said he is "a codependent with commitment issues".  I stopped in my tracks.  Why the f is he wanting to date me?  Clearly he's not looking for a commitment.  Well, at least he was honest.  So when he said the "codependent with commitment issues", I realized that I am "too independent with a fear of abandonment".

I work so hard at doing everything, being a mom, friend, family member, working, chores, etc. that when a suitor comes around, makes time for me, woos me, and gives me a few butterflies in my tummy, I get MORE independent.  I slowly fade away.  I put men constantly on the back burner, the feelings I want to have for them, the care for them, the lust or excitment, and the friendship - all on the back burner.  Which isn't fair, to them, or myself.  Why can't I figure this all out, why am I doing this to them?  Yea, I don't have to date, at all.  But, I would love to find someone to share life with my daughter and I.  She's pretty fantastic and so am I.

Well, I was sitting on facebook the other night, watching the 70's Show on Netflix, and I scrolled past this article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenni-bevill/forgiving-my-dad-and-finding-myself_b_6335432.html

I don't think I've ever related to an article as much as this one.  I was sobbing.  So confused that this moved me, so confused that I'm not alone, and heartbroken that Ella is going to be able to relate to every word of this as well.

So now that I know this is my barrier, I have to figure out how to drop it and move forward.  Let the next guy in.  Or heck, maybe reach out to them.